A Bird With Clipped Wings Can Still Sing, But Can No Longer Fly.

Ah, ma vie. C’est tres tres bizarre.

 

I cannot believe that a week from today I have to be completely moved out from my house. So sad. I should start packing, but it is a hard thing to start doing, since I still live there. I need to move my cat fairly soon, but once I do that I’ll be completely alone, so I’m hesitant. Also, I need to paint my room, but that seems like such a chore right now. I know if I don’t do it soon, though, I’ll be miserable. I want to get rid of soooo many things in my room at my moms, because I simply don’t need these things, but that is a much more involved process than you would think. Like, how am I supposed to just get rid of computers?! I have two that are just stinking the place up, but I don’ know what to do with them. I know I want them out of my room. I also want to get rid of my computer desk, and to buy some more shelves.

I had a good, lazy day yesterday. I wrote awful poetry, slept for ages, watched Garden State, thought a bit and mostly avoided real thought. Later on, I hung out with Matt. He’s been such an amazing friend to me the past month. I would be a wreck without him right now.

When my mom wouldn’t get off the floor or stop crying six years ago, I was a little bit crazy. I was so sad, and unsure of how to deal with it, and after a while I ended up just not thinking. It was odd, I could just turn off my brain and deal with life as it hit me. Pick my mom up off the floor, wash her face, get her to bed, take the gun away. I didn’t think. I didn’t worry, I just did what I had to to save my mom from herself. Somehow, I’ve lost the ability to do that. I think it may have to do with the fact that the fucked up stuff I’m dealing with now is all about me. I’m not trying to save someone I love, because I don’t love myself. So I’m just allowing myself to think all these things that depress me, I’m getting so far inside of my head that I’m drowning. I don’t want to do that. It’s a fucked up way of being self centered. I don’t want that. It’s like I’m secretly very arrogant, but I approach it by being self-loathing. It doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense. I need to learn how to be more selfless, like I used to be. A few of my friends really need me, but I’ve been so caught up in my own mind, that I haven’t been reaching out to help them.   I’ve just been feeling sorry for myself and in this stupid rut. This is how I was for the first few months of my mom being depressed. I remember a full week when I just sat on the floor in my bedroom and cried. It was right after my Mee-Maw died.

I need a focus. But, not school or anything like that, because that doesn’t make me happy. That just makes me more miserable. Something like music. Maybe I should go ahead and try to learn an instrument. I dunno. Being eighteen sucks probably more than any age I’ve been thus far. I’d also like to take out the part of my brain that attracts me to people. Nothing will ever happen. I’ve done all I can.

I’d like to stop thinking.

Feelings.

The space between being a teenager and adulthood

is the worst time of your life.

I wouldn’t lie to you.

 

The space between the elevator and the floor you need to stand on

is the most terrifying inch in the world.

I cannot lie to you.

 

The space between your face and mine

is the most exhilarating space I’ve ever felt.

I’ve never lied to you.

 

The space between us now

is completely devastating and disappointing.

I should have lied to you.

Shiiiiiiiit.

Emili’s moving out. So, you know, I have to move out too. Not feeling too well. I mean, I feel pretty shitty. Lots goin’ on in my head and not a soul to tell it to.

3505 E. 2nd Street.

Holy feck. I’m not at all sure where to begin or what to say. Catching you up completely would be very useless, but I’ll catch you up in a vague way as best I can.

Important updates:

• Europe was rad. One day, I’ll write about it.
• It’s a Grind closed. So, I was jobless for a while.
• Now I work at Bookmans and it is essentially my dream job. But it’s full time. Shiiiit.
• I moved out with Emili into the cutest little house evaaar in the downtown-ish area. Cuddles came too, obviously.
• I was stupid and had to go off and almost fall in love with someone. Stupid stupid stupid.
• For the record, if I mention ‘Michael’ from this point on, I am no longer talking about Michael Weaver, but rather Michael Whitby. D’accord?
• Started college. Initially I was in four classes, but had to drop French and Writing on account of the stress. I work forty hours a week, so.

Well, I think that about does it. That’s the ultra truncated version. Um. I really don’t know what else to say, except that for my own mental well-being I really need to start writing on here again. I forgot how cathartic it could be, and I need to try to understand myself a little better. I thought I knew who I was, but being a freshman in college is a nice big helping of “You really have no fucking idea about anything”. So I’d like to work on that.

Toboggan.

I am going to London tomorrow. Me. Can you believe it? I have to wake up in less than three hours and I sure can’t yet. Wowwowowowowow. I need to sleep. Packing is a BITCH. I…I’m going to Europe.

See you June 14th.

No no no no.

I had a fabulous weekend. Friday I went with Michelle to pick Emili up from the airport. Saturday dad and I finished Firefly and I went to the always great Noma concert with Emili, Becky, Clay and Chap. We all (well, the girls) spent the night at Emili’s and Emma and I got up  early for church and so I could spend more time with my dad. Church was nice. Emma played with Toby. Emma, Chapman chilled for lunch. I went to Lori’s parent’s house and ate. Then I went to Chapman’s family’s Easter dinner. Then I went home. Mom got me an Easter basket.

 

Since then, my life has been the shittiest it’s been since I was, oh twelve or so. All that’s left is for my mom to have some horrible illness. I have no time, no money. I have so much homework, so much to make up so I can at the very least graduate. I need to make my dress for prom, but my mom went to the ranch without the sewing machine so I don’t know if I can get it done. I don’t want to force Emili to sew my damn dress the one week she is home. That isn’t fair. I don’t know why I’m even putting forth any effort to go to prom at all. The stress of everything is making me sick. Or I’m making me sick. I don’t know. I’m so lost and angry and sad and I never never have time for myself and I don’t even have time for Emili really. I also don’t know how I’m going to pay for my peacock feathers. No I haven’t ordered them yet. I suck at planning things. I can’t be a grown up. I’m bad at it. I can’t plan ahead. I can’t motivate myself. I am just drowning in a big pit of self loathing.

After The Ending.

 Whoooops. Lovely past couple of weeks. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, or with Sydney or Emma or Chapman. The alone time is nice. I think I’m getting to the point where I don’t need my friends as much as I used to. I love them, oh yes, but I don’t feel that I need them to amuse me all the time, if that makes sense. Ah yes, and work. Lots and lots of work. I enjoy work, and I especially enjoy the customers (most of them) and Brett (“I’m gonna go grab a cigarette and then you can get one if you want. Are you gonna be okay? Let me know if you need help.” “Brett, there’s no one here…”). I got paid yesterday, so I bought the CD version of John Frusciante’s new album “The Empyrean” ([Oh, what was I thinking, by the way? I was thinking 'Oh man, she would love this. She hates me, yes, but she would love this. If the hate for me outweighs the love for him, then I'll get it back and give it to Cliff. That's what I was thinking, thank you.]) because I’ve been listening to the vinyl all week and it is surprisingly AWESOME. I wish he used less effects on his voice, because it really is quite good and then he goes and makes it all warbly and distorts it and it becomes less good than it originally was. ANYWAY. I also bought “Shelly Duval’s Fairy Tale Theatre” because when I was little I had the Rumplestilskein (HOW do you spell that?) episode on tape and I remember loving it. When I watched it at home, I was overwhelmed by how eighties and ghetto it was, but still very fun in that nostalgic-y way.

I made $75.00 today just to stand around and guard antiques. Yesssss.

I’ll be going on the extension in Europe, as well as some excursions. I wasn’t initially, but I talked to mom about it and she actually said yes! Woot.

Also finally purchased KOTOR II (I know I know, WHY? ) and have been playing it. I got the Carth scene and felt like crying (not because it was Carth. He was laaaame. “Carth, FOCUS”) and had to tell someone so I told Justin.

I baked bread for the very much loved QB’s Sixth Hour on Thursday, but it took a lot longer for the bread to rise than I had anticipated, so around 12:40 I began getting this stream of texts from the ENTIRE class asking where the heck I was. I showed up at one (LATE) and they were all gathered around the door with their arms folded. I think they forgave my tardiness though once they had the bread, because I received maaany thank you’s and “oh my God this bread is amazing”’s, etc. I mentioned that Jesus endorsed it, but I don’t think anyone but me and my memories thought it was funny.

I also got to hang out with Sydney this week, finalllly, because my work schedule was wonky. We chilled Monday AND Wednesday. Yes we did. We made crepes (too lazy to find that alt code…) and talked and fangirled about the….wait for it….NEW MARS VOLTA ALBUM THAT COMES OUT MAY 5TH!!! Not just our favorite boys, but another boy as well. It’ll be great. GREAT.

Closed with Andy tonight and found out he went to Vietnam this past fall to teach English. ? Andy, you are SO bizarre. Also, Ladytron and The Faint are coming. Sweeet.

I formally asked for Saturdays off at work, and hopefully once Julie hires one more person I’ll get them off and can go to Ren Faire and concerts without worrying. Oh!

REN FAIRE?! I completely forgot about you, sorry. Um, that was nice. Not as fun as years past, of course, but nice. Pauvre Cynthia!Mommy, she misses me so much! :/ I ended up being recruited into working about halfway through the day and walked with Kevin!James mostly. Silly boy. “May 2 I do”, really, I’m proud of you. :D When I went to the joust (Just the second one, because really, I’ve seen that one a THOUSAND times by  now, I just wanted to see the new kids ride.)  I had to sit front row on account of all my dress, and Kevin!James thought it would be funny to go off-script when the first knight (the good guy…forget his name…) won and went to get the ribbon, K!J said “You may have either this ribbon, or a choice of someone in the first row.” and he smiled evilly at me. Rude! XP Owain missed me even, and tried to give me a free CD (Can you believe it? I don’t own them all yet!), but he was really the only show I got to see because I got too caught up working on accident without actually being allowed backstage. 

So, anyway, I think I’ve more or less caught you up. I probably missed a few things, but oooh well.

Church, daddy, work tomorrow.  

 

We’ve Been Waiting.

Oh my goodness! Too much to update!

Okay. So. On Friday, I hung out with Emili after school. We retrieved her bike from the shop (it turned out so well!) and enjoyed some pizza from Broklyn. Then, I left her (SO SAD. I won’t see her again for ages.) and headed over to the Harkey’s. Emma’s dad got there shortly after and we were off to Tempe.

We stayed at Noah’s house that he shares with three other guys, and Emma’s dad stayed at his moms. After we unloaded the harmonium, drum set, et cetera from the car and Mr. Harkey left, Emma and Noah practiced. I was blown away all weekend by their talent. It…it is surreal to hang out with them and then hear them perform. They are amazing. Some friends of Noah’s were in from Tucson also, so in all there were nine people in his house including Emma and I. NINE! I got my own room (dubbed for now [until their new roomate moves in]) the girl room, because Emma has slept there before and they decorated it with drawings they made of  ‘girl things’ like flowers and hearts and such. I slept really well and woke up around nine. The boys made a huge breakfast of  oatmeal, mufcake (muffin mix in the shape of a cake), eggs, fruit, juice, and quite a few other things besides. Then some of them left to get tobacco and cigars, Emma and I cleaned up from breakfast and also helped Noah set up the equipment  in the backyard. Setting everything up was a little difficult, but the yard looked great by the end of it. We had everything up and the tobacco runners came home around three or four so we had a talent contest. I cut Emma in half, Noah did an impersonation of someone, stories were told, rapping was done, Smeagol impersonations also (frighteningly good ones), interpretive dance, and something involving testicles that Emma and I had to go inside for. People started showing up around five, and the show started sometime after that (I lost all understanding of time while I was there). The first band was decent, though not amazing; the second band, Boreas, was fantastic and the guys in it are very nice. Then Nöma came on and was SUPURB, of course. It was fun because I got to sit in on all their rehearsals throughout the day and night so I knew all of the songs by the time they went on. Noah’s voice is fantastic, Emma’s violin is amazing and her voice is perfect. There aren’t enough positive adjectives for me to describe how amazing they are. Any way, after their set (including happy birthday, because it was a birthday celebration after all) people hung around a while longer but left around nine. We were too lazy to bring anything but the really important stuff in, so we left it all outside and then split up. The over 21-ers went clubbing, and Noah (although he’s 22) took me, Emma and his two under 21 friends to ride the Metro. Alors, the Metro is so clean and shiny (for now), and it was an awful lot like being on the Death Star or the Starship Enterprise on account of its fancyness. We rode it into downtown Phoenix (? It could have been downtown Tempe, I don’t know much about Phoenix or its surrounding areas), walked around there a bit and then walked around ASU, where Noah goes to school. The weather was beautiful, and ASU is a surprisingly well put together and lovely campus, complete with a huge library and a  secret garden. We walked back to the car and drove back home after the ASU tour, tired. At home, we stayed up a bit longer, talking about the night and how fun it was and how amazing Emma and Noah are, and then went to bed. I woke up around nine again, veeerry sleepy. The boys made breakfast again, and Emma and I started packing and getting ready to go visit Emma and Noah’s grandma and her dad. So we said bye to all the boys and went to Scotsdale. Their grandma is the cutest little Japanese woman in the whole world! She was so so cute and her house had so many amazing things from Japan and yardsales and it was cuuute. Did I mention cute? Then we visited Emma’s aunt (who lives down the street from her grandma) and shot airsoft guns with their cousins (it was intense.). After a bit  longer we went back to Noah’s house, loaded up all of the equipment into Mr. Harkey’s car, said bye to Noah and wished him a happy birthday and bid Tempe adieu.

Now I’m home, and even though it’s only nine I am POOPED. I was up so late both nights I was there and we did so much and I’m just needing to sleep. I have homework, but eff it. I’m going to bed.

It was such a fantastic weekend and I’m sure I left some stuff out and didn’t adequately describe how great it was, but if I think of something I’ll include it here.

Noooo, schoooool. Ooh, and I get my own personal Nöma shirt this week.

Barb, Why Did Ya Wear Your Heels to the Mountains?

Well, yes, I did have a great weekend. Thanks for asking.

Friday: (I’m doing this lazy style. It’s easier) After school, Emili and I went to Bookmans and I purchased a David Bowie record, Lonesome Dove and a Star Trek magazine. Then I went to Mr. Mountain View. It was pretty entertaining. Left early, and went with Emili to The Loft to watch Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. Haaahahahahaha. Brilliant. The Loft is really relaxed. I’m not sure why I’ve never been before, but it was a swell first time, and I mean, everyone cheered for Shatner.

Saturday: Slept in until nine and went to work at eleven. I haven’t worked a midshift in a while so it was awkward. I made toddy and chocolate milk at once and way too quickly so the rest of the shift was SO slow. Yick. I got out at four and went home for a while to hang out with my daddy. Then I went to Emili’s party. Good times Emili handed Helene (her baby cousin) to Brian, who held her awkwardly and tried to turn her to face him. When she saw him she just started weeping. It was hysterical. I spent the night and woke up really early to hang out with my dad again. Then I went to church, then to lunch with the Newnums and finally home for some essay writing.

Monday: Par-tay with Emili, Emma and Becky at Mount Lemon. We stopped at It’s a Grind and Sprouts first for coffee and sandwiches. I handled the curves and such surprisingly well, though Abraham did NOT appreciate going up hill, poor dear. It was a short trip, but nevertheless very wonderful and relaxing. Memories were made. Work that night was nice.

Today: Slept in, watched Obama become president, cried a little (tears of joy!!), went to school late. Ten minutes into being at school, we all had to go out onto the bleachers in the hot, hot sun because there was a bomb threat. STUPID. Also, ironic, because around this time my freshman year there was a bomb threat. What a way to start and end my highschool career. With a near-bang.

Sorry this entry fell apart. I have a terrible headache and suddenly feel really ill. I hope I can drive home…

:EDIT: I’m fixing this because I felt really ill when I wrote it and left some important things out!

Also on Tuesday, I hung out with Sydney for the first time in ages which was GREAT!!! Besties 4 lyfe.

Wednesday was…uneventful, I think. Oh, I completely bombed another French test. Yay.

Today was the best, of course because I just have Thrall and QB. Entered many a grade and listened to Anathello and the new Bon Iver (it wasOKAY. Not great.) in Thrall’s. In QB’s, we listened to Act III, and I finished my Act II questions a bit late. I’m panicking a little because I still don’t even have my dialectical journal yet, nor have I started it. I reeeally need to work on that. We also, as usual, had many enlightening and fun conversations in class. I love those people. I can honestly say I’ll miss them after high school.

Tomorrow I’ll be going with Emma and her dad to Tempe for two nights of fun and music! I’m really excited. But, I’ll be gone for Emili’s last two days. D: I think maybe being gone while she leaves will help me to deal with it, because my mind will be on other things. I’m going to miss her so much. D: D: I’m excited that she has this opportunity, but maan am I going to miss her.

I’ll tell you about my awesome weekend with Nöma later. Byeee.

Innocent Bones.

Stupid ol’ Cliff bashed open his head on 4th the other night and then sewed it up himself. With thread. -_- Oh well, he seems fine and that is pretty BA!

QB is furious with us, her sixth hour, because we didn’t do anything on Friday when we had a sub. Well, we settled on quite possibly the best senior prank ever, but that’s it. So yesterday she made all of our Act I questions due (luckily I did them),  gave us an essay test and a quiz. Oh, she’s pissed. And she is handling the whole thing a lot like my mother, and because of this I’m having a really hard time being authentically sorry for my poor behaviour. It’s hard to explain. Today we have to do some sort of horrible Shakespearean grammar packet, and she threatened to not actually teach any of it to us, but just make us do it. Um, QB, regardless of our previous behaviour with someone that wasn’t you, it’s still your job to TEACH us. Just saying.

Oh! And Thrall is back and already saving my life. He downloaded iTunes onto my jumpdrive and NOW I HAVE ITUNES. My computer downloaded it so quickly too, which makes me feel quite pleased. It’s fast, my internet just isn’t. My goal today is to start with the massive transfer of music. It’ll take ages, but that’s alright. I have iTunes!

Emili’s leaving so soon. I am not gonna have any friends when she leaves, because Laz is always too busy. I’ll probably just cling to Chapman all the time.

I have three hundred saved up for Europe, and I am going to get my passport today. Hopefully. I can’t believe it’s January and I don’t have it yet. DUMB.

My diet is going well. Speaking of which, I need to pack my lunch for school.

OOOh, and my dad is going to bring me my bike from the ranch, and hopefully by next paycheck I can get the tires fixed and all will be well.

And, and, the new Kaki King album is fabulous. Really catchy.